Living with Pain in Our Beautiful Land

I went to bed one Saturday night in October feeling well, looking forward to going to church in the am. I awoke Sunday am early in the most excruciating pain i had every felt. My legs from the waist band down was filled with a burning, sharp shooting pain, like if I had frozen my legs and they where thawing. My husband had atasol 30's from a previous injury, so he got up an have me those. I stayed in bed and kept my legs covered and warm. this seemed to help.

That was 5 years ago, the journey sine then has been brutal, humbling and scary. Since that day my pain has never left, I have learned to live a semi normal life since the beginning. my pain, sometimes was my closes companion. Others tried to understand but because i fought so hard to maintain a job, and home life they did not see how much the pain was controlling my life. Everything in my life changed, I put all my energy into work, I had nothing to give my 4 yr old son. my husband and my clinically depressed daughter. I ate medication, whatever i could get.

I visited the clinic nurse here as our doctor only visits every 4 to 6 months. At this visit i was given more Atasol 30's. When the doctor came finally, I was still on the atasol 30's but i was getting blood work done, and a referral to a neurologist. Nothing, that's what the results showed nothing. Over the first 1 - 4 years I seen a neurologist 3 times, had multiples blood work done, had a MRI, CAT scan. Had acupuncture, was on many types of meds, seen 2 pain doctors and tried to not kill myself.

The pain and I both changed, my pain cam on quick if i got my legs cold in any way, like if a fan blew air over them. My husband would take his and and run it over my legs, he would say, warm here, oh, getting colder as he moved his hand until he found a spot freezing. Some day I'd say to him, "Lavern, my legs are freezing" and he feel them an they would be icy cold. But I had not moved from the bed. The pain would be so intense sometimes especially after work, my husband would have to climb in bed and put his legs on my to transfer the heat, but to also apply weight to the legs, I found that the scariest times. Along with the pain and freezing sensation below my waist band, I SWEAT, i mean SWEAT a lot from the waist band up. This happen with or without exertion. I have been like this from day 1 and it's upsetting. I lived in snow pants on the bottom and cooler clothing on top.

In the first year or so I was offered morphine, I refused it for the longest time as I had trouble in the past with the drug. I did not want to get into a place where I was needing morphine. Well, I struggled with finding relief with the atasol's 30's. I did end up on morphine, and what a mess that ended up being. I started storing up morphine to get a better dose at the end of the day. I would be short by the next refill, I was in a constant state of panic, fearful of the pain not being controlled. I ended up detoxing off morphine and was placed on Butrans patches. During the time of atasol 30's and morphine, it was humiliating to get my pills at the clinic. I felt compared to drug seekers in the community, even the nurses seemed to have labeled me.

Health professionals, that's another story. I have to say in the years of struggling with this pain, grieving the loss of my "normal" life and sinking into depression, the most disappointing thing is the way I have been treated by member of my own profession. It felt as though they had become hardened to people as pain patients. Nurses/Doctors need to check their personal feeling regarding pain patients because it do affect their treatment. We can see as you look at us and talk to us that you have decided what we are. I pray to God you never have to live with pain.

Here I am 5 1/2 years later, I know I am stronger in my mind and soul. The pain is still there, it's a daily balance to find the most comfort. My four old is now 10, he said to me "mom, when you gets better, can you make up the years we could have had together." My daughter who struggles with depression had to take over a lot of his care and help around the home. My marriage took a big hit as the pills and pain decreased my libido. We are working on getting back some of our life together.

The biggest change in my pain story came when i finally seen a Psychiatrist. To get to here, I had hit rock bottom, I was playing with my meds to sleep away the days. I didn't want to live and i was exhausted. I went to my family doctor and told him honestly that I wanted to die. I left my home for 2 months with my son, while away I started counselling. This lead to me seeing a psychiatrist. But, it took 4 months to get an appointment. The first thing the Psychiatrist done was increase my anti depressant I was taking for neuropathic pain, over the next couple of months it was increased to what i am on now.

Living with pain is not a easy thing. When you are told you will have to live with this you lose the life you had before. It's taken away from you. You grieve as if a death occurred, because what dreams you had before are now gone. I will never swim or play in water with my son. I have to always beware of the temperature in a room or outside. I will always have to rely on some sort of pain reliever. I am weaker than I was. These are some of the things i have to accept.

What kept me going was my family, my employer, friends, and God. My supervisor stood by me through the good and bad days. Giving me the room i needed to get to where i am today. That is priceless.

I was told by a social worker at a pain clinic one time, that I'd never work again. This is wrong, don't tell someone in a causal way that a part of their life is gone. People quickly forget we had a life before the accident, before the disease, before whatever brought us to this point.