The Life I Once Know

It was a cold day in January, when my life changed for ever. I was a medevac nurse, which transported critical, trauma, the acute care and chronic care patients. I absolutely loved my work, I cannot call it a job, it was an experience of which I was privileged by working hard. I studied and worked my way up the ladder to this wonderful opportunity to help others. Not only was I nurse but I am also a mother of two amazing adults and a wife of a husband that provided me with as much support as they knew how.

That January, I slipped in my driveway as I was finishing the last shift of my career. The pain was unbearable, and the tears were flowing beyond my control. As I crawled to my front door all I could think about was – “how do I go back to work tomorrow?”

First of all I refused to go to the Emergency Room because I would be labeled as a drug seeker. I once was the person on the other side wearing that nursing hat that is supposed to be non-judgemental, but your professional brain goes there automatic – “back pain equals drug abuse”. Unfortunately, that’s true still, two years ago, I presented to the Emergency room after being hit from behind in a car accident, resulting in a tear of my rotator cuff and a separated joint in my shoulder - I was given plain Tylenol for pain despite my tears of agony, because I had chronic back pain. I requested something stronger and was denied. I am a chronic pain sufferer not a drug addict and had never indulged in anything stronger than anti-inflammatory medications. I was made to suffer major acute pain, and no one understood. If the Emergency room physician took the time to look at my past medical history, he would have discovered I don’t take anything for pain, I try to manage it conservatively – I was prejudged. It has been five years since my last day of work and I have yet to see a pain specialist!

Secondly, I was forced to retire from my career because I was told by a human resources specialist “ you are damaged….we cannot accommodate you….your too educated” imagine being told I was too damaged and too educated, really, what a blow, after giving 29 years of service to this provinces health care. I was told I would have to resign my position then reapply for a nursing position and I would not be rehired. So, now I have to retire on a reduced income, much lower than I was accustomed to. I would never work again, as a nurse. Not only was I “kicked to the curb” sort of speak, but I was told that the disability insurance I paid into for the last 29 years, which was negotiated by our provincial government, by the way, would never allow me to work in any capacity, or I would lose my benefits, I felt like this was blackmail of sorts! I had chronic pain, but my brain works fine. I was offered two teaching positions, which I had to respectfully decline because of the fear of losing my income.

Third, I was ashamed and afraid of showing my nose outside my home, for being the topic of conversation, comments like “sure, she has a bad back ……what a great way to get out of work….why is she parking in the disability spot, she got nothing wrong with her…..etc.”

Fourth, my family and friends, they tried to support me but were not given the education or tools to help them cope. “Why can’t my wife go hiking anymore, why does mom say no every time I want to go to the gym”. I would explain why, but they couldn’t understand. One day I may feel like I can go to the movies, and other times I can’t, it seemed as though I was using my pain as excuses, no to do things. You see, chronic pain do not let you choose the days to stay away; therefore, we chronic pain suffers push through, so we are not a drag on our friends and family, which in turn starts that ugly pain cycle again. It was not until I attended a six-week program on pain management that I realized that, I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Later, when I was diagnosed with reactive inflammatory arthritis did people see my pain, because of the swelling of my joints and the inability to use my hands, “if you can’t see it you don’t have it attitude prevails”.

Finally, the mental health! Our society has such a poor outlook on mental health, you are either crazy or you are not! I was severely depressed, I cried daily, grief overcame me. You see grief does not just mean a death of a loved one or a pet. It’s a loss. I lost my career, my life as I knew it! I lost the ability to partake in activities, social interactions. I loss part of my family’s ability to understand the new me. I lost my self-worth, self-esteem, my identity. Some of my close’s friends were colleagues, now I had to entertain myself between the four walls. I felt abandoned, lonely, and focused on negative thoughts. “What did I do to deserve such ruin?” I felt left behind, in the world, and I had no place left in it. I thought of humane ways to end the suffering of those I loved and myself. Finally, I realized, I needed help and was educated enough to seek it out. I experience loss, devastation, financial loss, no support from my employer or government. My chronic pain has resulted in destruction and betrayal beyond most anyone has to endure.