I wish I was terminal

My condition is complicated. I have a fused spine (T2-L5), scoliosis, degenerative disk disease and other issues with nerve damage. Some days I can’t lift my feet more than an inch. Some days I can walk slowly but unassisted. I wake up each day not knowing how the pain will control me.

I had an amazing, physical career until the pain became so bad I literally could not breathe, could not move. I’ve experienced a 10 on the pain scale. My standard level now is around 5-6, thanks to a brilliant surgeon that too 2 years to get in to see and then another year waiting for surgery.

I went from incredibly active, relevant and respected to home bound, ignored and judged a drug addict. It’s been 8 years since this started. My self esteem is close to non existent. I blame insensitive doctors for a lot of that. My condition is not terminal. It is degenerative. The spine surgeon says there’s nothing to be done but manage my pain. It will get worse. My future is not bright.

I do what I can to have some kind of life. I’ve had to completely reinvent myself. The only things I did before being disabled due to pain and after, are care for my pets and interact with family. I had to move. I could no longer work or participate in anything I once did. Living with chronic pain killed who I used to be.

I’ve done everything the doctors told me to do and more. I’ve educated myself, become a chronic pain peer Counselor, started a support group, taken every class in pain and pain management I can find. I’ve tried every therapy available and finally found a combination that enables me to function

I know when the pain becomes too much, when I can no longer get out of my bed, I’ll be expected to suffer until I die under current legislation. Unless I somehow qualify for medically assisted suicide in a decade or two. That is my hope. That is my silver lining. That is my emergency exit.

Until then, I fight every day to do what “normal” people take for granted. I even have to fight to be treated with respect by a doctor. I’m treated as “less than” and with pity. Yet I’m still fighting until I can’t anymore. It would be nice if I didn’t have to fight so hard.