No Judgement
My mother became very ill and within days was approaching her end of life. She had lived her last five years in a care home due to her needs but was in the hospital for her last days. While there she was in a room with 4 other much healthier people. The small space assigned to her became crowded very quickly by all the ones gathered around her. She was also visited by a local pastor who would lead the family in prayers. This was very awkward for us as we had 3 strangers observing, listening and also obviously feeling awkward by the situation. We felt we could not have conversations and resorted to whispering or not expressing our emotions because of our awareness of others surrounding us.
Her doctor talked to us about letting her go as he felt it was time, that there was little they could do to save her. Her organs were failing, she was in a coma and they suspected she had taken a heart attack. I told the doctor we needed to let our mother go with dignity. Sitting in a room, being watched and listened to by strangers who were also uncomfortable with us was not dignified, nor did it allow for the family to be with her, to cry, to laugh out loud, to tell stories, to sing or pray. He agreed and arranged for us to have a private space and he also indicated he would not let her suffer through this.
We were moved into a respiration treatment room. Unbeknownest to us until a later time, they had to move someone out of there to allow us to come in which wasnt right either but were so grateful to have the room. It afforded us the dignity and privacy we needed to say good bye to our amazing mother. The hospital did have a pallitive floor but there was no room for my mother.
We had no sooner moved into the room then the staff came in and removed her oxygen. I asked them to leave it on her. It was always her comfort. A little later she started to go into distress with her breathing. I know they say its fluid in her lungs causing the heaving and choking but its damn hard to sit there and watch this. To us she was suffering. I went to the desk and told them my mom was suffering and her specialist promised us this would not happen. They made a phone call then came back and told us the tray was on its way. The tray contained shots of ativan and hydromorphone. While waiting for the tray we had a couple of nurses come into the room to tell us they did not agree with what was going on here. I told them thankfully their opinion did not affect my mom and obviously they would prefer it if she was choking, gagging and struggling on the bed. I asked that they not have anything to do with my family or my moms care. Luckily we were assigned a nurse who was a gift from heaven. Her kindness and compassion for our family and our mother has never been forgotten.
One of the nurses turned off all monitors on my mom saying we did not need to be seeing this, that we needed to be just with her. Her vitals were being monitored outside the room. The nurses taking care of my mom would come with the comfort medications whenever the monitor indicated she needed the help.
My mom passed sooner then they thought, They figured she would pass later in the morning but she passed throughout the night. This was a gift to her. She passed quickly. My sister was holding her singing the 23rd psalm, I was talking to her and my daughter was in the chair praying. All of a sudden the room changed and ramped up. She started to make a sound, the fluid in her chest felt like a waterfall, I saw her beautiful green eyes one last time. She opened them, looked up and was gone. It felt like something had come into the room and took her away. She was fiinally at peace.
As a family we can never express our gratitude to the doctor and the young nurse who, without judgement, assisted our mother through her pain and to her final peace. ON a footnote, we did receive a bill, we did not expect for quite a bit of money for the use of the room. This bill was immediately cancelled when I called the hospital.
The dying have needs. They deserve to die with dignity and kindness. If that means in some cases helping them with medications then so be it. Give them the medications they need. We need more palliative care programs to suit the needs and wants of the dying. Be it at home or specific palliative places to go.
